


You Have Got To Be Forking Kidding Me!

by flipflop_diva



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Episode Related, F/F, F/M, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-16 12:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13053771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/pseuds/flipflop_diva
Summary: Michael resets The Good Place, and Eleanor's soulmates are not who she expects in any version.





	You Have Got To Be Forking Kidding Me!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stillscape](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillscape/gifts).



> Written for Yuletide 2017. 
> 
> Stillscape wanted to see some of the possibilities with a few of the reboots, so here we are. I had so much fun writing this. I hope you all enjoy — and happy Yuletide!

**[Reset No. 218]**

“You have got to be forking kidding me!”

Eleanor stared as Michael beamed at her. 

“This, Eleanor Shellstrop, is your soulmate.”

“But she’s a …. woman?”

“Oh, so you noticed, did you? What gave it away?” The woman — the strikingly beautiful woman who was actually literally the definition of breathtaking — gave her a bit of a glare as Michael just grinned and applauded, like they had jumped into each other’s arms and reenacted the scene of two reunited lovers.

“Tahani Al-Jamil, meet Eleanor Shellstrop. Eleanor Shellstrop, meet Tahani Al-Jamil.”

“I would have said it is a pleasure,” the woman — Tahani — said, still with that condescending tone. “But I think, dear Michael, that you have some wires crossed somewhere. Perhaps you meant to place me with the most handsome gentleman I saw earlier today from across the sidewalk.”

“Oh, seriously?” Eleanor said, and it took all the willpower she had to refrain from rolling her eyes. 

Tahani ignored her. “I do not think she can possibly be my soulmate.”

“Oh!” Eleanor jumped in. “I agree with her on that! It’s not possible. I’ve only been with men. I like the dirt. I mean dirt. I mean dirt … fork! Why can’t I say dirt and fork? What is wrong with this shirtplace? Shirt!”

Tahani shook her head. “Yes,” she said, turning back to Michael. “Clearly we have been mismatched.”

“Oh no!” Michael said, still way too happily for Eleanor’s liking. “It’s not possible! You see, it’s a very complex process, soulmate matching. We have so many traits that we match.” He lowered his voice here. “And just some things that we as all-knowing beings just have access to. But yes very complex and time-consuming. But don’t worry!” He clapped happily. “We have never, ever been wrong! I know both of you will get along splendidly.”

“I do not agree,” Tahani said.

“I agree with her,” Eleanor said.

“Look!” Michael cried. “You’re getting along already! How perfect!” He smiled even more broadly, if that was possibly. “Now please excuse me. I will leave you two to get to know each other.”

Then before either one of them could even get out another word, Michael had vanished out the door.

Tahani glared at Eleanor like it was her fault (okay, it _was_ maybe — probably — her fault since she was maybe — probably — in the wrong place, but Tahani had no way of knowing that!), before turning her attention to the rest of the way too small house Michael had left them standing in.

Tahani’s focus settled on the clowns.

“Oh my,” she said, and she sounded — for once — appropriately horrified. “What is with all these grotesque looking clowns?” She turned back to Eleanor, her face again highly critical. “You like these?”

“No,” Eleanor said instantly. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Well, then,” Tahani said. “We simply must redecorate.” She paused to study Eleanor again. A bit too much actually. 

“Maybe we will get along after all,” Tahani said.

“Yeah,” Eleanor sighed. “I wouldn’t count on that.” She looked around the place, anywhere but at Tahani. “Why couldn’t the good place come with a reset button?”

•••

**[Reset No. 333]**

“You have got to be forking kidding me!”

Eleanor stared as Michael beamed at her. 

“This, Eleanor Shellstrop, is your soulmate.”

“But it’s a …. dog?”

“Yes!” Michael said, grinning widely. “Soulmates come in all shapes and sizes in The Good Place. And this little guy.” Here he bent down to pet the dog — a golden retriever Eleanor thought, but she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t like she had ever had a dog before. Except for the time her roommate moved in with a dog and it ate all the food in their fridge overnight. She got rid of the dog — and the roommate — the next morning.

But oh, fork, Michael was still talking and she was supposed to be listening and pretending to care. She forced herself to smile pleasantly at Michael and the dog.

“… rescued thirty-seven people from a cruiser that was sinking off the coast of Mexico. Then he went on to work on the police force of his local city, where he caught drug dealers and once took down a band of serial killers all by his little own self!”

Eleanor groaned. Of course he had. _Of course_.

Michael was looking at her, though. Still with that same grin on his face. She forced a matching one.

“So wonderful!” she lied.

“Yes,” Michael agreed.

“So, um.” Eleanor tried to look pleasantly curious. “How exactly does this soulmate thing work? Because he’s a, um, dog and I’m not sure …”

“Oh!” Michael said, and he looked so pleased at her question. “Oh, yes. Well, you see. It’s a very complex process, soulmate matching. We have so many traits that we match.” He lowered his voice here. “And just some things that we as all-knowing beings just have access to. But yes, very complex and time-consuming. But don’t worry!” He clapped her on the arm. “We have never, ever been wrong! I know you and Benji will get along splendidly.”

Then he laughed, sounding far too amused. Eleanor forced her own laugh.

“How could you not?” Michael practically choked out. “He’s your soulmate!”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bright yellow leash. “You probably won’t need this, but if you want.” He winked. Eleanor cringed. “Well, here you go!” He held the leash out to her. Very, very reluctantly she took it. “You two have fun!” And then with a wave and another beaming grin, and a pet on Benji’s head, Michael was gone, the door closing with a resounding thud behind him.

Eleanor turned to the dog. It — he — growled. A low, menacing type of sound that had Eleanor moving backward quickly.

“Yeah,” she said to the dog. “I’m not happy with any of this either.”

The dog growled again, and then stalked — could dogs even stalk? She would not have thought that possible but this dog was definitely stalking — past her to jump up on the couch, curl into a ball and give her a look like he was just daring her to join him.

Eleanor threw her hands up into the air and groaned. “Well, isn’t this just forking great?” She looked around the place, anywhere but at the dog. “Why couldn’t the good place come with a reset button?”

•••

**[Reset No. 497]**

“You have got to be forking kidding me!”

“I am not kidding,” Janet said. “I do not kid.”

“What? No.” Eleanor looked over. When had Janet appeared beside her anyway? Had she been standing there on the porch the whole time?

Whatever. It didn’t matter.

“I slept with Chidi,” Eleanor said, because she needed to tell someone and, well, Janet was the one who had come with them. Of course she could tell Mindy, but she had heard these noises coming from Mindy’s bedroom and yeah, no, she didn’t want to interrupt that.

“That is wonderful!” Janet said, in the voice she used to imitate happiness, and she smiled the smile she used to imitate happiness and applauded loudly.

“No!” Eleanor shook her head at her and gestured her to stop clapping. “That is not wonderful.”

Janet instantly stopped, the smile also disappearing. “Okay, then,” she said. “I am sorry.”

“That’s better,” Eleanor said.

“I am not sure why this is bad, though,” Janet said. “Jason tells me that” — here she lifted her fingers to make air quotes — “’scoring’ is a good thing for humans.”

“Yeah, well, Chidi is not my type,” Eleanor said. “He’s this nerdy doofus who drives me crazy with how forking _annoying_ he is because he is _always_ there when I need him and he listens to me every day and he never kicks me out of his house … and oh fork!”

Eleanor stared at Janet. “Do you know what this means?” she asked.

“That Chidi is not your type,” Janet said.

“No!” Eleanor cried. “That I like Chidi! That I really _like_ Chidi!”

“You like me?”

Eleanor turned around. Chidi was standing on the porch, staring at her like no one had ever stared at her before.

She contemplated the urge to run. Back to the good place, maybe to the bad place. This couldn’t be happening. She couldn’t really _like_ him, could she? She definitely couldn’t _love_ him.

But the way he was staring at her, and the way he had made her feel just an hour before …

Fork, fork, fork.

Maybe she could talk Michael into using that reset button on them after all.


End file.
